The Modern Bible Thing

So on Tuesday, as a bit of a joke, I started tweeting some translations of the bible using a more modern approach. Well, modern in that it involved more cussing and some of my more brutally frank writing. Apparently, people a) thought they were funny and b) didn’t realize that I was the one writing them. Which I suppose is a compliment of sorts. Anyways, I promised I’d collect the #modernbible stuff when I got a good batch of them, so here that is. There is some additional stuff, but the actual tweets are mostly the same (I took out quotes where appropriate).

Incidentally, if I have to warn you that a modern bible translation with more cussing may offend, then you’re probably reading the wrong blog.

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning, God decided to start himself a craft project.

Matthew 6
[1] Don’t do the right thing out in public just to be seen. That shit’s not going to get you into heaven. [2] When you give to the needy, don’t make a big deal out of like some assholes. [3-4] Do good things because it’s the right thing, and because it will make you feel good to help people.

[5] “When you pray, don’t be like the assholes standing on the street. They’re just doing it for the attention. [6] When you do pray, do it alone and in private. That way God doesn’t have to play Where’s Waldo to see you. [7] And don’t yammer on like some people. Keep it brief and to the point. God’s on a tight schedule. [8] Seriously. He’s omniscient. He already knows what you want. He just likes to hear from you now and then.

Matthew 7
[1] If you go around judging people, don’t be surprised when they start judging right back. [2] If you’re doing the same crap you’re calling others out for, people will notice and say you’re a hypocrite.

Proverbs 1

[1-5] King Soloman says: If you want to be a good person, pay attention. This is some good stuff right here. [6] If you want to be wise, you’re going to have to figure this out. [7] It’s okay to be scared of the unknown when you’re learning. Only assholes hate people who want to learn stuff. [8-9] Listen up kid, your mother and I have some advice you’re gonna want to remember. There may be a test later. [10-15] If a guy says to you “Hey, let’s go kill someone and steal his shit, I’ll split it with you,” he’s an asshole. [16-19] Don’t hang out with guys like that, kid. They get dead pretty quick. Usually because they’re dumb.

[20-21] Wisdom gets her ass out on the street and yells “Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once. [22] How long are you idiots going to keep being idiots? How long will you assholes keep being assholes? [23] Listen up and listen good! I’m going to tell you everything I know and try to teach you. [24] But I can’t make you listen, and I can’t make you take my advice. Even though you really should. [25-27] And when you don’t, I’m totally going to laugh at you when you fall on your ass. [28] Then when you come crawling to me for help, I won’t even acknowledge you exist. [29-31] Since you chose to be an ignorant fuck and ignore my advice, you can suck it up and deal. [32] If you’re willfully ignorant or choose to be an asshole, you will get what’s coming to you. [33] But if you choose to take good advice when you hear it, you’ll be less likely to wind up as a cautionary tale.

And some random stuff:

Lev 11:9-12 You can eat stuff out of the water if it has fins and scales. If it doesn’t, don’t eat it. Those things are nasty.

Duet 14:21 Don’t eat anything you find laying around dead. You don’t know how long that shit’s been there. Sell it to a stranger if you don’t want to waste it. By the time they want to kick your ass, you’ll be long gone. Don’t cook a young animal in the milk that was meant to nourish it. That’s just fucked up.

Deut 22:10 Don’t hitch up an ox and a donkey together. They don’t get along and it will fuck up your rows.