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Modern Bible: Genesis 1 and Leviticus 18

October 21, 2011

Clearly, the Modern Bible stuff is a bit random. Mostly because I’m kind of scatter brained, and I find it difficult to be funny for whole chapters all at once. This is probably why I’ve never finished a novel. Also, my novels were kind of crap (although the gypsy one netted some interesting fake Russian folk tales, I should probably do something with those, what was I saying?).

As before, there’s some additional material, but I tried to keep the actual tweets mostly the same, minus quotes and “Fuck, skipping that one letter really changes the whole thing, huh?” And as before, if the idea of a foul mouthed feminist reinterpreting the bible offends you, you should probably have stopped reading a while ago. Cheers!

Genesis 1

[1] In the beginning, God decided to start himself a craft project. [2] So he set a great big lump of clay spinning in the formless darkness and cranked up “Unchained Melody.”

[3] And God said “Can I get a little light in here?” and there was light. [4-5] God thought the light was pretty spiffy, so he divided it into night and day. With night and day came evening and morning, both of which always came too damn early.

[6] And God said “Let there be something to separate the waters from… that other stuff. Water. Space. Something.” [7] So God made the sky and called it “the sky.” And then another evening and morning came, still way too damn early. [9] Then God said “Lemme just move this over here, and this thata way, and voila! Dry land!” [10] God called the dry spot “land,” the wet stuff “seas,” and the space between “the beach,” which was pretty awesome.

[11-13] And then God spent a whole day making up plants and trees. For srs. And accessorizing them with seed pods. [14-19] After 3 days and nights, God decided light really should come from somewhere and made the sun, moon, and stars. [20-23] And then God made all the birds and fishes, even the ones that were forbidden to eat, even if they are tasty. [24-25] Then God made all the other animals, even the dinosaurs and the unicorns.

[26-31] Then God made man and said “Here, watch over this for me, will ya? I’m going to go take a nap.”

Leviticus 18

[1-5] God said “Hey Moses, I’ve got some new rules re: sex I want you to pass along. I’m giving you this new land, and I’d really like you to not turn out like the last bunch. They were pervs.”

[6] “Don’t have sex with anyone related to you. You saw what it did to the Egyptians. [7] Don’t have sex with your mom because, dude, that’s YOUR MOM. [8] Don’t have sex with your dad’s wife, even if she isn’t your mom. Not. Cool. [9] Don’t have sex with your sister, or your half sister, even if you were separated at birth. See: Lev 18:6. [10] Don’t have sex with your granddaughter, you dirty old pervert. [11-14] Seriously. Don’t have sex with people who are related to you. Aunt, half-sister, cousin, they’re all right out.

[15] Don’t have sex with your daughter-in-law. That’s a pretty dick thing to do to your son. [16] Don’t have sex with your sister-in-law. That’s a pretty dick thing to do to your brother. [17] Don’t have sex with both a woman and her daughter, or any of her granddaughters. You sick perv. [18] Don’t have sex with your wife’s sister. At least wait until your wife is dead to do that shit. [19] Don’t have sex with a woman who is on the rag. That shit gets messy and gross. Plus, there’s a lot of sand out here, and that’s just not a nice thing to do to a woman. [20] Don’t have sex with your neighbor’s wife. That’s a pretty dick thing to do to your neighbor.

[21] Don’t sacrifice your kid to Molek. If you’re going to sacrifice your kid to anyone, it better be me. [22] Don’t have sex with a man as you would a woman. There’s much better positions for that. [23] Don’t have sex with animals. You sick perv. [24-28] Seriously. Don’t do this shit. I pisses me off, and then I’ll have to kick you out of this shiny new land. [29] Everyone who does this shit should be shunned. SHUNNED, I SAY!

[30] Follow these rules and don’t be like those other guys. They were total pervs. Lurv, GOD.

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