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Disconnected

February 4, 2014

  One of my kids is going to be an auntie for the first time.  And she’s a little weirded out by it.  Here is this thing, with its own face, growing inside of someone, and her sibling made that thing happen.  I told her that if it made her feel any better, I felt that way about Acorn sometimes.  And apparently, that helped.

 Oddly enough, it helped me, too.  I feel this weird disconnect from Acorn sometimes.  There is this creature inside of me, not yet separate from me, and still not quite apart from me, either.  She moves around inside me, taking her morning swim every day at exactly 11 am.  The exact same time that she would kick in the nausea during my first trimester, incidentally.  If nothing else, I know my girl will keep to a fairly regular schedule.  She was a fan of kicking my pelvis for quite some time, and she discovered my bladder not long after.  Now she is head down and she kicks everything from my ribs to my diaphragm.  She gets feisty when I sit for too long, dislikes it when I eat too much, and apparently is not a huge fan of sweets.

 And yet, she is inside of me.  She is this thing connected to me, pulling and pushing my organs around.  I feel a steady pulse in my stomach where I never noticed one before.  It could be my imagination, but I feel as if it’s the cord connecting her to me, pumping along in both directions.  There are shifts and shuffles inside of me in places where before it was just my own body acting up in non-sentient ways.  Lately I can feel the outline of a leg or a foot pressing outward, a hard lump under my skin searching for more room.  She is Other, but for a while yet, she is still part of me.

 This feeling of disconnection worries me, sometimes.  I hear of women who feel so deeply connected to their babies, who revel in the creature inside their body, and I worry that I don’t feel the same way.  I love Acorn, and despite our occasional bouts of “Holy fuck, we’re going to be parents, what the hell were we thinking,” Moose and I are looking forward to meeting her.  I just feel like I will be closer to her once I can see her and hold her.  Like she will feel more real to me once I can touch her, be skin to skin with her.  At least, I hope so.  It seems odd to feel like I will be closer to my child once she is outside of me, rather than inside.

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