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Squirrel’s Coin Toss Winning Chili

October 5, 2012

My office had a chili cook off yesterday for charity.  Just so you don’t get the wrong idea, I should mention that there were only four chilies in the cook off.  And I was going to make a self depreciating remark here but I’ve been repeatedly informed that I just need to take a fucking compliment already and the coin toss joke in the title is depreciation enough.  Anyways.  Everyone got a chance to taste the chili and pick the one they like best.  There wound up being a tie between myself and a coworker, so there was a coin toss.  Thus, the name.

Since this is chili, and it is my blog, I’m going to give you this recipe two ways.  The first, is how I *actually* made the chili.  Mostly because it’s funnier that way.  If you’re not interested in how I bumbled my way into winning a chili contest, there’s an approximation of the recipe down at the bottom.

1. Wander through your local natural food store.  Buy a bunch of stuff you need for other projects, plus some onions and garlic.  Completely forget the ground beef.

2.  Go home.  Have dinner with friends.  Watch TV.  Make a gift basket.

3.  At 11 pm, remember you forgot to buy beef.  Decide to caramelize the onions in the slow cooker, since that seemed to work out well for the barbeque sauce.

4. Cover the bottom of the slow cooker in oil.  Chop two large onions and throw them in the pot.  Stir.  Add some cayenne, roasted garlic, and salt.  Curse the missing white pepper.  Use the pepper grinder instead.

5.  Discover some bacon in the fridge.  Crumble it up, stir it into the pot.  Add more cayenne.  Add a little paprika, because why the hell not.  Stir again.

6.  Wake up extra early.  Convince self to hit the snooze button a few times.  Get up, go stir the pot.  Curse the burned bits.

7.  Take a shower, get ready for work.  Stir the pot again while the coffee brews.  Play some Sims social while eating breakfast and drinking coffee.

8.  Hunt up the only cooler in the house that will fit the crock pot.  Take it outside to dust off the cat fur.  Wrap the crock pot in a towel to keep it from melting the inside of the cooler.

9.  Throw some beef bouillon cubes, the cayenne, the paprika, the salt, and the pepper grinder into a plastic baggie, because the white pepper is still missing.  Decide to bring the black strap molasses because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

10.  Tear through the shitty grocery store that is on the way to work and that you normally avoid whenever possible.  Buy ground beef, some ribbon, and some cellophane wrap for the gift basket you made.

11.  Curse the amount of students wandering around campus as if they have to go to 8 am classes or something.  Successfully avoid collision with bike rider who didn’t stop at the stop sign and pedestrians who crossed in the middle of a busy street.

12.  Carry giant heavy bag pull of crock pot from parking lot to office.  Manage not to drop anything.  Mentally curse student shuffling to class in the middle of the sidewalk.  In his PJs.

13.  Add beef, water, and bouillon cubes to crock pot.  Turn on high for 3 hours.

14.  Endure the smell of cooking chili.  Test chili.  Realize that it is a) a bit greasy and b) you forgot the corn starch.  Add a generous dollop of black strap molasses, because you think it might help cut the grease.  Google some possible fixes.  Reject them all.

15.  Decide to improvise a thickener.  Hike to the main convenience store on campus.  Find everything but plain Frito’s.  Curse the idiot who decided to stock four different flavors of Frito’s but not plain.  Hike to a second store on campus.  Grab way more Frito’s than you need.

16.  Toss a handful of Frito’s into a sandwich bag.  Smoosh thoroughly.  Curse when the bag splits at the bottom.  Smoosh more and use the split in the bag to add the Frito’s to the pot.  Add more cayenne and paprika because at this point you haven’t got much to lose.  Cook for an additional hour.

17.  Serve so hot that it melts the plastic cup.  Gratefully accept the coffee cups hunted up by a coworker.

18.  Miraculously impress your coworkers.  Pretend it was all according to plan.

Recipe (Sort of)
3 lbs ground beef
6 pieces of bacon, crisp
2 large sweet onions
1 tbs roasted garlic
2 tbs cayenne pepper
1 tbs paprika
2 beef bouillon cubes
2 cups water
1 tbs black strap molasses
1/2 c crushed Frito’s
Olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste

Combine onions, garlic, oil, bacon, cayenne, paprika and salt in a large slow cooker.  Cook on low for 6-8 hours.  Add ground beef, bouillon cubes, and water to pot.  Cook on high for 3 hours.  Add molasses and Frito’s, cook for an additional hour.  Serve hot.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 5, 2012 3:10 pm

    The method is adorable and reminiscent of many a day of crockpot cooking.

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