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Modern Bible: Revelation 1

January 31, 2012

Now that we have the beginning of the bible out of the way, I’m skipping over to some of the stuff from the end.  In part to add some variety and in part because most of Genesis 5 can be summed up as “And then this dude had a bunch of sons and daughters, only one of whom we actually care about, and also he lived a really long time.”


[1]  This is the revelation of Jesus Christ, told to him by God to pass on to his friends so they’d know what was up. Jesus sent an angel to John [2] who frankly, is pretty confident about all of this for a dude on the receiving end of a cosmic game of Telephone. [2] Blessed are those who read, hear, and take these warnings to heart, because the end is pretty near. You know, in cosmic terms.

Greetings and Praise

[4] John,
Give this message to the seven churches of Asia:

Greetings from The Big Guy, who is, was, and always will be the Head Dude, the Holy Spirit who may or may not be a seven fold spirit depending on translation, [5] and JC, the only dude to rise from the dead. Except for Dionysus.  And Osiris. And Mithras. But those dudes were myths and don’t count.

To him who died and magically got all our sins forgiven [6] and gave us a reason to start up a new religion to serve The Big Guy in a new way- glory and praise to that guy.

[7] Look! Up in the sky! JC is coming with a storm and he’s going to make everyone see him, even the people who crucified him. And it’s going to be sadness all around on that day.

[8] The Lord breaks in at this point to remind everyone that he is the beginning, the ending, and everything in between.

John Has A Vision

[9] I, John, who knows just as well as the next guy how hard it is to be a fan of JC, was on this island called Patmos because The Lord told be to go there and totally not because the beaches there are crawling with hotties. [10] I was sitting around one Sunday (or possibly Saturday, depending on which day you think is The Lord’s Personal Day) when I was struck with this vision.  I heard this sound behind me that was like a trumpeting voice, which may or may not have been because I was sitting in a cave and hadn’t eaten anything for a few days. [11]  It said “Get a book, because I’m about to send you one seriously cosmic download and I want you to take notes to send to the seven churches: Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.”

[12] I turned to see who was talking to me, because apparently I learned nothing from the story of Lot’s wife, and saw seven golden lampstands [13] and standing there was a dude in a robe down to his feet and an empire waistline with a gold sash. [14] His face and hair were all white and his eyes looked like they were on fire, which was frankly pretty damned scary. [15] His feet looked like hot metal and his voice sounded like rushing water, something you wouldn’t expect to hear in a cave. [16] In his right hand he held seven stars, he had a double edge sword sticking out of his mouth like a sword swallowing trick gone horribly wrong, and his face was blindingly bright.

[17] When I saw him, I fainted like I’d died, because seriously, I thought I was going to. Then he placed his right hand on me (you know, the one that was full of stars?) and said “Don’t be afraid, there’s only one of me. [18] I’m the one who lived, and then died, and then lived again. I now control death and the world of the dead. [19] Take notes, son, both on what you see and what happens after. [20] These seven stars are the seven angels and those lamp stands back there are the seven churches.

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