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Some Mornings Are Harder Than Others

January 30, 2012

You know those jokes how quickly the Texas weather changes? They fall into the category of “It’s funny because it’s true.” Except it’s not so funny when you have joint pain. I’ve read conflicting studies on weather and joint pain, and when it’s warm out and the pain is low, it’s easy to doubt.  But on mornings like this?  I believe.

The traitor voice whispers loudest on mornings when the house is cold and the pain is high. It reminds me of how warm is the bed is and how cold the long walk to the study will be. It tells me that Ninja is asleep next to my head and makes me feel guilty for not spending more time with him. It makes me feel the months of sleeping poorly and whispers that I could really use the extra 45 minutes. It finishes by telling me that really I have nothing to say and besides it’s not like anyone is reading anyway.

The traitor voice has something different to say to each morning, but the underlying message is always the same. Give up. Lay down. Stay there. Nothing I do will make any difference. I’ll just give up again in a few months and put all of the weight back on. This blog will just be one more of my failed projects. So why even bother?

The traitor voice lies.

I know the sound of the traitor voice well. I suspect that most people have that little voice that speaks loudest when they are at their weakest. For some, that voice is louder than for others. They name it Depression and feed it pills to make it quieter. I don’t need pills yet. I hope I never will. I have lots of coping methods that make it easier to drown out the traitor voice. It still wins sometimes, but every morning that I’m here is a victory.

Some mornings are harder than others. This morning the voice told me that I had nothing to say. Proving it wrong is a kind of victory too.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2012 9:34 am

    That voice can be hard to stifle, but each day that we do the stronger we get. And the voice is wrong, what you say matters and people listen.

    • January 30, 2012 10:32 am

      Like many aspects of my health, the voice goes in cycles. I’ll be fine for a while, then something will drag me down, and then I get to claw my way back up to the place where I’m mostly okay. Right now the trouble sleeping gives it a bit more volume than I like, but it’s not as loud as it’s been in the past.

      And thanks. I didn’t want to come off as pandering for compliments, but it is good to hear.

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