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Modern Bible: Genesis 4

January 23, 2012

[1] Adam got Eve knocked up and she gave birth to Cain. She said “God helped me through this birth which would have been a lot easier if he hadn’t cursed me with birth pains.” [2] Later she gave birth to Abel.

Abel hung out with the sheep and Cain got to plant the crops. [3] Cain grew some crops and offered them up to the Lord. [4] But Abel offered up some  fat lamb chops and the Lord was definitely a Meatitarian. [5] The Lord wasn’t too fond of Cain’s side dishes, though, so Cain got cranky and went to go sulk.

[6] The Lord said “What’s your problem? Why are you sulking? [7] If you work hard, you’ll please me someday. But if you don’t work on your attitude, you’re going to wind up sinning. And that would be sad for you, son.

[8] So Cain said to Abel “Let’s go for a walk.” And then Cain killed his brother, committing the world’s first murder, first fratricide, and first crime of passion all in one go.

[9] The Lord said “Hey, where’s your brother? I’m craving me some more lamb chops.” Cain said “What am I, his social secretary?”

[10] The Lord said “What the hell? I can see your brother’s blood right there! [11] Didn’t the curses I laid on your parents teach you anything? [12] You think that working the crops sucked? You’re going to wander the earth instead and WISH you could grow crops.

[13] Cain said “That’s really harsh, dude. [14] You’re driving me off and I don’t get to hang out with you. I’m going to wander the earth and other people, who we have heretofore never mentioned, will try to kill me.”

[15] But the Lord said “Not going to happen. If any of these people, whose presence I am completely going to hand wave, decide to kill you, I’m going to kill them right back.  Seven.  Times.” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that people wouldn’t kill him.  [16] So Cain left Eden and went to the land of Nod, where there were more people that we’re going to hand wave the presence of.

[17] Cain got himself a wife, who we will never mention again, knocked her up, and she gave birth to a son named Enoch. Cain was in the middle of building a city and named it after his son. [18] Enoch had Irad, Irad had Mehujael, Mejujael had Methushael, and Methushael had Lamech, all apparently without the help of wives.

[19] Lamech had two wives, named Adah and Zillah. [20] Adah gave birth to Jabal, whose kids wound up living in tents and herding sheep. [21] His brother’s name was Jubal, whose kids were stuck playing the harp and flute. [22] Zillah also had a son that she named Tubal-Cain, who forged tools of iron and bronze, which at least made people less likely to make fun of his name. He also had a sister named Naamah.

[23] Lamech said to his wives “Uh, look, I killed a dude for… well, let’s just say for injuring me, shall we? [24] If the Lord was pissed at Cain, he’s going to be REALLY pissed at me.”

[25] And since the line of Cain seemed to be made up of fuckups, Adam laid with Eve again and she gave birth to a son that he named Seth, saying “God gave me another son to replace Abel, since Cain whacked him and his kids turned out to be murderous idiots.

[26] Seth had a son he named Enosh, and that’s right around the time that people started really worshiping the Lord hardcore.
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Lamech’s marriage is the third one specifically mentioned in the bible, making “A dude and two women” the third official definition of “biblical marriage.”  Right behind “A man made up of dirt and a woman God made from his rib” and “A guy who murdered his brother and a woman from a land that general continuity suggests just appeared out of nowhere.”

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