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Modern Bible: Genesis 3

November 18, 2011

[1] Now, the snake was a crafty critter. He said to Eve “Did God really tell you not to eat from any of the trees? [2-3] Eve said “No, God just said we couldn’t eat from the tree in the middle because it would kill us. [4-5] The snake said “Pfft. It won’t kill you. God just doesn’t want you to know about good and evil like He does.” [6] Eve saw that the fruit looked tasty and would make her smart, so she figured “What the hell” and ate some. Then she gave some to Adam. [7] Then they both went “Fuck, we’re naked!” and made themselves some fig leaf undies to cover up.

[8] When they heard God coming through the garden for a stroll, they hid. But God wasn’t up for playing Hide N Seek. [9-10] God called “Where are you guys?” Adam said “Uh, we realized we were naked so we hid.” [11] God said “Who the hell told you that you were naked? You ate from the tree, didn’t you?” [12] Adam said “Dood, you gave me a hot wife, and she gave me a piece of fruit, what was I supposed to do?” [13] God gave woman The Look and she said “It was all the snake’s fault! He lied to me!”

[14] God said to the serpent “Not cool, dude. This one’s gonna cost you your legs. You’ll have to crawl on your belly and suck dirt. [15] And from here on out, you’ll be enemies with man, mostly because you’ll be kind of creepy looking.

[16] To woman he said “As your punishment, having babies is going to seriously suck. And you’ll have to obey your husband even when he’s an idiot, because love for him will make you an idiot, too.”

[17] To Adam he said “Because you ate the fruit you wife gave you, you’re going to have to farm in order to get food. [18] And that’s going to suck, because unlike my garden, none of that shit’s going to pop out of the ground like daisies. [19] Hard work and sweat are the only thing that’s going to get you tasty fruit, until the day you turn back into the pile of dust I made you from.”

[20] And the Adam named his wife Eve, because it seemed like the thing to do.

[21] Then God made them leather undies to replace the fig leaf undies. [22] And God said “Now that man is one of us and knows about good and evil, he mustn’t be allowed to take the fruit from the tree of life and live forever, too.” [23] So God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden to go be gardeners elsewhere. [24] After he kicked them out, God placed an angel with a big damn flaming sword at the gate, to keep people away from the tree of life.


So that’s chapter 3. There’s some interesting things to note here in chapter 3. Namely that even through the serpent tells Eve the truth, she calls him a liar before God. Both God and the serpent explicitly state that the reason Adam and Eve have been denied the fruit of the tree of knowledge is because He doesn’t want them to be like Him and have knowledge of good and evil. God, however, is the one who flat out lied to Adam and Eve, telling them that the fruit would kill them. After posting a similar observation to Twitter, several people said that because Adam and Eve were now mortal, the fruit did kill them, after a fashion. But the existence of the Tree of Life disproves this claim. If there is a tree whose fruit will cause man to live forever, which man must not eat from, then man was surely intended to be mortal all along.

This is also the chapter where many people take the foundation of the belief that woman must be subservient to man, and the concept of childbirth as a punishment for sin. If the pain of childbirth is punishment for the first woman giving the first man a piece of forbidden fruit, then God has punished all of the animals along with her, because childbirth sucks for most critters, not just women. Which makes God kind of an asshole.

Points of interest –

Although many images of the chapters use an apple to portray the fruit, most translations simply say “fruit.”

While it is usually claimed that the serpent in this chapter is an agent of Satan (or sometimes even Satan himself), this is never explicitly stated.

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