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Modern Bible: Genesis 2

November 11, 2011

I wanted to get this out before I started in on Genesis 3. There’s a lot of interesting analysis to be done in that chapter, and I wanted it to be the focus of a single post. As usual, if the idea of a loudly opinionated feminist translating the bible offends you, just stop now.

[1-3] On the 7th day, God had himself a lie down and said “This is the best thing ever. Everyone should do it.”

[4] So this is how it was in the beginning, just after all that creation stuff. [5] God had made the heavens and the earth, but despite making plants, forgot about the shrubs. There wasn’t anything growing in the fields, because God forgot rain, too. And needed someone to do the planting. [6] Streams, though. Those bitches were popping up everywhere and watering everything. [7] So God scooped up some dirt, made a shape, and blew air up its nose. And so man lived.

[8] God had planted this kick ass garden in the east and called it Eden. He put his little dirt man in it. [9] Then God made a bunch of trees pop out of the ground like daisies. Some were pretty, and some grew tasty stuff. In the middle of all those trees, God planted the Tree of Life, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

[10] There was a river winding through Eden that split into four other rivers. [11-12] The first river was Pishon, which went through Havilah, where there was good gold, smelly-good resin, and onyx. [13] The second river is Gihon, which goes through Cush. That’s all you need to know about that river. [14] The third river is the Tigris, the flows east of Ashur. The fourth is the Euphrates. It doesn’t go anywhere.

[15] So God put his dirt man down in Eden because he needed a gardener. [16-17] God said “Eat from any tree in the garden except the Tree of Knowledge. It’ll kill ya.” Because God’s a dick.

[18] And God said “Man shouldn’t be alone. I know, I’ll make him a friend!” [19] So God brought all the critters He had made before man and said “Here, name this.” [20] So man named all the critters of the water, earth, and air, but none of them made very good friends.

[21] So God roofied man, took out a rib, stuck him in a bath of ice water and left a note that said “Go see a doctor.” [22] Then God made a woman out of the rib, because apparently He ran out of dirt. The He showed her off to man. [23] The man said “You made her from my rib? That’s uh… kinda creepy. But cool. I’ll call her woman.”

[24] This is why men leave their parents, get married, and have sex with their wives. Because God stole a rib. [25] The man and woman were both naked and felt no shame. You know that’s not gonna last long.

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