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In Which I Almost Run Over a Zombie

September 27, 2011

Driving on campus can be a harrowing experience for anyone. My parking lot, however, is situated within a set of security gates. The pedestrians who walk through this area seem to be of the opinion that the security gates negate any traffic rules, even simple ones like “look both ways before crossing the street.” I used to keep track of all the people I nearly ran over, and then stopped because I got lazy. Last week, however, I honestly almost ran over a person.

The security gate where I exit is a car length away from a stop sign. Usually the crosswalk there is fairly busy, since the street leads directly to one of the main dorm complexes. On this particular afternoon, I was pulling up to a crosswalk and noticed a couple of the Zombies verses Humans players standing close to the corner. The Zombies verses Humans games that happen on campus are a fairly regular event around here, and the players are generally pretty good about staying as low key as is possible for people carrying giant orange Nerf guns and dressed in Zombie make-up. These particular players were the giant Nerf gun toting variety, so they were hard to miss. I was almost stopped when a person in a full Zombie costume entered the cross walk.

This was no casual Zombie. The player had on a creep show face mask, with a giant mass of tangled yarn hair. The zombie’s shirt and pants were ragged, and fake open wounds had been attached to the shirt showing “ribs.” It didn’t just walk out into the cross walk. It practically capered, arms and legs flailing about, presumably taunting the human players. It moved with the speed of a Rage Zombie, dashing out in front of my car and pausing to do his zombie dance in the crosswalk.

In that split second, my instincts kicked it. I registered “Fuck, person in the crosswalk!” I registered “Fuck, ZOMBIE.” I registered, “FUCK, BRAKE.” And I lifted my foot to slam on the brake.

Except, my foot was already on the brake.

A half second later my brain caught up to my instincts and just barely stopped me from slamming on the gas and running the fuck over a zombie. I don’t even think the players noticed me as I glared balefully at the subject of my near miss. The zombie moved out of the street, the humans left, and I drove away. Later, after telling this story to some friends, we decided that what really happened is that years of watching zombie movies and jokingly preparing for the zombie apocalypse has rewired my brain to instinctively run over anything that looks undead.

Which just goes to show. Even Zombies need to look both ways before crossing the street.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Joanna permalink
    September 27, 2011 8:29 am

    If it were not for the near tragedy of this I’d find it funny. Oh, who am I kidding? I just laughed so much that my co-workers came by to see if everything was ok.

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