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Movie Review: Cold Comfort Farm

February 14, 2008

Tonight’s installment is “Cold Comfort Farm.”  Socks is our only guest tonight, as it’s Valentine’s Day.  And Squishy is voiceless.  Sad for Squishy.

Mrs. Mary Smiling is Ab Fabs’ very own Joanna Lumley.  With horridly red hair, and equally horrid red lipstick.  Naturally, she’s the style maven of the movie.
Socks:  She looks like a terrible drag queen.

Miss Flora Poste (Kate Beckinsale) has recently been orphaned, and decides that she must go and live with some extended family.  The branch of the family she chooses is, in the way of most British Comedies, full of nutty characters.  And in true Jane Austen fashion, Flora must find a way to right all wrongs through happily arranged marriages.  We decided roughly halfway through that this movie was a combination of Emma and Pride and Prejudice.  Naturally, there must be a handsome, brooding country boy, Seth Starkadder, played by Rufus Sewell.
Socks:  I’m going to look at you menacingly.
Squishy:  More like lustily.
Socks:  A little of both, I think.

Seth:  You women are all alike!  Fussin’ over your fal-de-lals to bedaze a man’s eyes, aye? And what you really want is ‘is blood, ‘is pride, and the ‘eart out of ‘is body.  And then when you’ve got ‘im, bound up in yer fal-de-lals, and yer softness and he can’t move – ’cause of the longin’ that cries in ‘is blood, what do ya do then, aye?  Ya eats ‘im, same as a hen spider eats a cock spider.  But I don’t let no women eat me – I eats them instead.
Socks:  Oh, then you’re missing out on a whole world of sexual delights.

Ian McKellen is the preacher, Amos Starkadder.  Flora goes with him to his church, in the hopes that he will inspire her rather awful writing.

Amos:  Ye miserable, crawlin’ worms. Are ye here again then? Have ye come like Nimshi, son of Rehoboam, secretly out of your doomed houses, to hear what’s comin’ to ye? Have ye come, old and young, sick and well, matrons and virgins, if there be any virgins amongst you, which is not likely, the world being in the wicked state that it is.
Socks:  I keep imagining Magneto making this speech.

Amos:  You’re all damned! Damned! Do you ever stop to think what that word means? No, you don’t. It means endless, horrifying torment! It means your poor, sinful bodies stretched out on red-hot gridirons, in the nethermost, fiery pit of hell and those demons mocking ye while they waves cooling jellies in front of ye.
Socks:  The jellies are a lie.

Amos:  You know what it’s like when you burn your hand, taking a cake out of the oven, or lighting one of them godless cigarettes?
Socks:  The cake is a lie!

Amos:  And it stings with a fearful pain, aye? And you run to clap a bit of butter on it to take the pain away, aye? Squishy:  The butter’s a lie!

Amos:  Well, I’ll tell ye, there’ll be no butter in hell!
Socks:  Bacon.
Squirrel:  The bacon’s a lie.
Socks:  Parched lips always cry out for bacon.

Mr. Mybug (Stephen Fry), a local writer of some dubious repute, sets his sights on Flora.  She comes across him in the local pub after the sermon, and finds herself dragged away by Amos after Mr. Mybug begins ranting loudly about sex.  Mr. Mybug is left alone to regain his composure while being watched closely by two well dressed ladies.
Socks:  Why hello ladies.

Flora’s window overlooks the trough in the yard with the water pump.  Naturally, Seth must take his baths there while she watches.
Socks:  An excuse for yet more shirtless Seth.
Squishy:  Does he ever need an excuse?

Earl P. Neck (Harry Ditson) is Flora’s movie producer friend.  He finds movie stars.  What better way to get rid of a handsomely rugged country boy then to send him off to Hollywood!
Neck: I don’t want sissies. It’s red meat time in the movies.
Squirrel:  Well, Seth’s got plenty of meat to go around.

Aunt Ada Doom (Sheila Burrell):  I saw something nasty in the woodshed.
Neck:  Yeah, but did it see you, baby?

Squirrel:  Good.  Lord.  Everyone must see this movie.  EVERYONE.

Seth’s mom is burning Seth’s collection of head shots of famous movie stars.
Socks:  “Hey, this one’s sticky.”

The other handsomely rugged country boy, Ruben (Ivan Kaye), has not been hooked up with a girl yet.  So I suggest Rennet (Sophie Revell), the rather dirty and homely third cousin.  Squishy uses gestures to express her negative opinion of this idea.
Squirrel:  Little plucking, some wax.  Make-up.
Squishy:  Some washing.
Squirrel:  Washing.  Lots of washing.
Socks:  There isn’t enough loofah in the world.

And the quote to end all quotes…
Flora:  Oh Charles.  You do have heavenly teeth.

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