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Those Dumb Men’s Rules

February 1, 2008

Men’s Rules (And Squirrel’s responses in italics)

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!
Learning to count is a big turn on.  The inability to make one thing a priority over another (family over friends, food over games, one female over another) is a major problem with most guys’ relationships.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
Women don’t expect men to read their minds.  Listening every once in a while would be nice though.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
If you are in a woman’s house, put it back the way you found it.  If she is in your house, she should do the same.  That said, most toilets have a lid for a reason.  Put both down.  That way both sexes are equally inconvenienced.  It keeps the animals from drinking out of there, too.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
If your happy butt is watching sports (or playing video games, or otherwise being Occupied) during the time you promised to be with your SO, then you deserve whatever ass chewing comes to you.  The reason most women get pissed about the whole “Sunday sports” thing is that you’re neglecting them and your family.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Most women do not think of shopping as a sport.  But you can’t demand that women respect Sunday sports (sitting on your ass watching a bunch of guys play with their balls) if you are not willing to respect shopping (going forth and finding good bargains for something a woman may or may not need).

1. Crying is blackmail.
Crying is the result of a perfectly natural human emotion.  It happens.  Not every woman who cries is looking to blackmail you.  Not every guy who cries is a pansy.  Guys who bitch because their girlfriend cried when they were assholes?  They’re pansies.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Asking for what we want doesn’t seem to work either.  Got any other bright ideas?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
True.  But they make it really hard to hold a conversation.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Just what a girl really wants.  A completely unsympathetic man who is only listening so that he can talk about what HE would do to solve the problem.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
A sure recipe for a lasting relationship.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Because thinking you’re fat has NOTHING to do with generations of societal pressures and messages involving woman with no boobs, no hips, and no connection with reality.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
Wait, what was that about mind reading again?

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Sometimes, despite all of a woman’s efforts to be strong and independent, she really does want and need your help.  Learn to take suggestion gracefully.  If she thought you were going to do it wrong, she wouldn’t have asked you in the first place.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Whenever possible, please do not start foreplay during movies or TV shows that we want to see the end of.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Because the guy who got hundreds of sailors lost and brought disease and strife to the new world is the person you want to model your driving skills after.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Even Windows recognizes Teal.  You can too.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Go ahead and scratch.  Just don’t do it in public.  Women itch too, most of us just learned early to be subtle about it.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
So when we ask what you’re thinking about and you say “nothing” we should accept that you have no brains?  Good to know.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
This applies to guys, too.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
We’ll be sure to keep this in mind the next time you ask for advice on what to wear to a job interview.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
See above notation on “thinking.”

1. You have enough clothes.
Clothes wear out.  Fashions change.  Weather gets colder, hotter, wetter, and drier.  Men’s choices are “Pants or not pants.”  The addition of skirted clothes make women’s choices a little more complicated.

1. You have too many shoes.
You don’t have enough.  It is not required to wear those tennis shoes everywhere you go.  Really.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
If you choose to be overweight, you do not get to bitch about your SO being the same.

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