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Movie Review: Casanova

January 25, 2008

After the downer of the last movie, we move on to Casanova, sure to be a much more upbeat and snarkable movie.

 

The commentary before the movie even starts is always amusing-
Lemur: I’m pretty sure we’ve met before.
Socks: Have I grabbed your ass? I have a penchant for that.
Squirrel: If she hasn’t grabbed your ass, you haven’t actually met.

Casanova (Heath Ledger) is running from the authorities.  He dashes over to a stairway, looks down, and sees uniformed thugs making their way up.

Squirrel: Whoops.
Squishy: Wrong staircase.

 

Dalphonso (Ken Scott): Eternal damnation, for one night with Casanova.
Ducky: Wait for it!
Sister Beatrice (Lauren Cohan): Seems fair.

Giovanni Brunni (Charlie Cox) is preparing for his sword fight with Casanova.  Badly.

Squirrel: Wee! This guy’s got all the form of a Picasso.

Francesca Brunni (Sienna Miller) takes her brother’s place in the sword fight.  When Casanova’s defenses are down, she strikes.

Socks: Well that’s not very sporting.
Squishy: Of course not.

Pucci, the papal inquisitor arrives on the scene, charged with catching Casanova and cleaning up Venice.

Ducky: Look, it’s Jeremy Irons.
Squirrel: Yes, Jeremy Irons is scary.
Ducky: It’s scarier when he takes his hat off.
Socks: What is with that flat top?
Squirrel: He’s wearing a mullet wig!

Pucci:  We’re here to discover heresy and licentiousness. If there’s bacon involved, I dread to discover the depths of depravity.

Ducky: The inquisition means well, but they’re kinda stupid sometimes.

Andrea Brunni (Lena Olin), the mother of Francesca and Giovanni, sees Lord Papprizzio (Oliver Platt) for the first time.  Little does she know that this rather large and round merchant of pork fat (no really, he sells lard) is her daughter’s betrothed.  Theirs eyes meet.  Sparks fly.  Andrea flips her fan open in front of her face, glides over, and….

Squishy: She’s being sneaky. You can’t see her.

Lord Papprizzio finally has had enough of Pucci’s meddling, and before Andrea’s wondering eyes, lifts him by the throat into the air.

Squirrel: I think she just had an orgasm right there.
Squishy: Well, she hasn’t had one in a while, you know they come faster.

Lord Papprizzio: O! Calamaity. She’s thrown me over.
Andrea: Disgraceful.
Lord Papprizzio: Oh, well. A scandal.
Andrea: You’re a free man now.
Lord Papprizzio: Oh, dear. What will I do?

Socks: Pork a widow.

Francesca: I would save my love for a man who would give his life for me.
Ducky: Foreshadowing!

Giovanni has his first ever experience with a woman.  Followed quickly by multiple experiences with multiple women.

Socks: No stamina like that of a 17 year old.

Socks: And now he’s got an assortment of venereal diseases.
Ducky: At least he got experience points for it.

Andrea and Papprizzio are seen cuddling in one of Venice’s infamous boats.  Except they’re in one end, and the other end is up in the air.  An altogether rather obvious, but funny allusion.

Lemur: That’s.. that’s awesome.
Squirrel: That’s quite a boat.
Squishy: It’s a very perky boat.
Socks: It’s got a lard ass in the back.

Ducky: Jeremy Irons has a mullet?
Squirrel: I already wrote that one down.
Socks: He’s rockin’ the mullet.

Pucci is waiting for the cardinal beofre hanging Casanova and Francesca.  The Cardinal is running a little late.

Pucci: Very well, I shall have to do it without him.
Lemur and Socks: That’s what she said.

Casanova’s mother pushes her way through the crowd is the Big Fight Scene-

Squirrel: Get out of my way, bitches.
Lemur: Get out of my way before I bust a cap in your ass.

Socks: It’s priest punchin’ time.

During the Great Escape, Francesca leaps from the hanging platform, and onto a horse.

Squirrel: Woo! My kinda girl, did you see that landing?

Followed quickly by Casanova….

Lemer: Ooooo.
Squirrel: It’s never as much fun for the guy.
Socks: And with extreme scrotal bruising, we have Casanova in front.

As the group strives to get away, the Virgin of Venice (Natalie Dormer) suddenly displays fighting skills.

Socks: When did she learn to fence?
Squirrel: She had to do something with her free time. Can’t masturbate all the time.
Lemer: You’d get Popeye arms.

Pucci falls over in a boat, attempting to give chase.

Squishy: The mullet over balanced him.

Voice over at the end: And I like to think I rose to the occasion.
Socks: Oh that was a terrible pun.
VO: And I added many new chapters to the story.
Socks: Casanova sleeps with some nuns, Casanova goes to the free clinic, Casanova fucks on the moon, Casanova explores the prostate.
Ducky: Casanova tries to beat James Bond’s high score.

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