Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

Tonight, in honor to Heath Ledger, we start off watching “Brokeback Mountain.” Expect morbid remarks, tasteless gay jokes, and other “Oh my god I can’t believe they said that!” type remarks. Consider yourself warned!

Joining us tonight is the craft night crew. Most of whom aren’t actually watching the movie. S’what happens when you get a bunch of crafty geeks together.

Ducky: The first time I watched this movie, I wondered how they were going to introduce that. Then after the first tent scene, I thought “Oh. Just like that.”
After a few moments of watching Ennis (Heath Ledger) and Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) stand around looking mopey-

Squirrel: So… Do they ever actually talk in this movie?
Socks: Mostly they just stand around looking angsty.

Squishy was trying out some new needles tonight, and decided to add to the commentary-

Squishy: My needles feel floppy.
Squirrel: We’re watching a gay movie, and you’re waving your floppy needles at me.
Ducky: Oh look, they have purple heads.
Socks: And pink shafts.

It is at this point that I realize we may have to start recording in order for me to keep up with the group snark.

As Ennis comes up the mountain leading mules, soft music plays.

Squirrel: Why do I have the feeling there’s going to be nakedness soon?
All girls: Ah, nope, bear.

After That Scene In The Tent

Socks: Oop. Dead sheep because y’all were screwing.

Ennis: You know I ain’t queer.
Squirrel: I’m not queer, I just like gay sex.
Socks: And now for some cuddling.

Ennis and Jack run around the camp wrestling and “wrestling”

Squishy: And now we play chase.
Socks: Mmm… Shirtless cowboys.
All girls: Oh! They’ve been discovered.
Squirrel’s best Harold Zinglar voice: The lovahs are discovahed!

It’s pouring down rain on Brokeback, and we all know what that means.

Squishy: Rain always means more cuddle time.

At a Fourth of July celebration, a couple of bikers sit next to Ennis and his family.  They’re rude, crude, and the fact that Ennis is holding the baby doesn’t stop him from getting his stomp on.

Squirrel: Here, hold this while I go beat up some bikers.

After four long years of unrequitted gay longing, Ennis is sitting by the window waiting for Jack to drive up.

Squirrel: Is anyone else reminded of a high school girl waiting for her date?
All girl: Yes.

If you haven’t seen the following kiss, you should.  You really, really should.

Ducky: This is the kiss scene I was referring too.
Squirrel: C’mere.
Squishy: Whoa.
Socks: I wanna be kissed like that.

Somewhere, there’s a hotel room that’s seen a lot of naked cowboys-

Squishy: I think that the best part about this scene is how you can see both their wedding rings throughout,

Ennis and Jack run off of a cliff and jump bare assed into a cold mountain lake.

Squishy: We’re gonna spend the week naked!
Ducky: I think that’s the last time they show them naked.
Squirrel: Aww.

After a confrontation, Ennis goes to a bar looking for a fight.

Squishy: He was looking for a fight, and you were handy. He didn’t even have to go inside.
Snake: You shouldn’t get into fights if you’re going to lose.

And hereafter, the angst starts in.  So we leave of with the talking and commence with the sniffling.  Ah, angsty movies. Not so good for the snarking. On to the funny movies!