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Tales of the Ren Faire

December 11, 2007

Classic Mamma quote of the final week-end:  Charlemagne had a lot of Gaul

12 Gypsy Days of Christmas (in brackets are the things I’d shout when I was bored)

12 Silver bracelets
11 Leather pouches (empty leather pouches)
10 Gypsies Staggering
9 Gypsies Drinking (Gypsies who wish they were drinking!)
8 Traded Children
7 Goats for milking
6 Candles Burning
5 Stolen rings (BORROWED RINGS!)
4 Bells for ringing (I always shook my head on this one, since I was wearing my jingle wreath)
3 Fortune tellers (loopy gypsies!)
2 Gypsy wagons
1 Guy in black tights (1 pansy in black tights who won’t sing with me!)
And we’re all here under this tree!
(We’re all stuck here under this tree!)
(We’re all stuck here annoying our neighbors under this tree!)

Gypsy Terrible Weather Christmas Song
(partially inspired by something the girl playing the Fairy Queen was singing)

Oh the weather out here is frightful
And there’s no fire to be delightful
And since they won’t let us go home
It’s bloody cold, bloody cold, bloody cold

Oh if you can’t find the front gate
I will gladly stand out in the storm
And show you so you won’t be late
So we can go home and get warm!

————————-
Dear Potential Customer,
The price of a full reading is $10.  That’s a palm reading, a full celtic cross tarot card reading, or a psychic journey with Gran.  As a bonus, you get to ask questions, get advice on your love life, and sit and chatter away until our eyes cross and BossMom comes to rescue us.  Given that the lady 6 shops down is charging $30 for her to throw down three cards, blow cigarette smoke in your face and tell you to get out, we think you’re getting a pretty good bargain.  Do NOT try to bargain with the gypsies.  And, yes, this does cost money.  Just like everything else out here.  Even the shows, which are nominally free, would appreciate it if you’d drop a couple of bucks in the hat.  Your therapist is “just talking” to you too, but you still pay him.  Either pony up the dough, or go away, you cheap bastard.

No Lurv,
Aza “I’m not free, I cost money” The Gypsy

—————————

It’s time for Ren Faire You’re Doin’ It Wrong!

If your thigh highs become knee highs… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your outfit came with an age range 10 or more years younger than your actual age… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your chain mail skirt looks like it should come with a jar of Play-Doh… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your dress is 14th century and your shoes are 21st century… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your barbarian loincloth gives you a muffin top… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your loincloth is more loin that cloth… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If you are capable of carrying a beer bottle in the overlap of your cleavage… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If you are capable of serving a small array of cheeses and olives on the platter of your cleavage… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If you are capable of eating the small array of cheeses and olives off of the platter of your cleavage… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If you use the phrases “World of Warcraft” or “D&D” while describing your outfit… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If the people taking your picture are struggling to contain giggles… you’re doin’ it wrong.

If your Jack Sparrow imitation sounds more like a Drunk Chicken, you’re doin’ it wrong.

—————————————-

– 

Things Aza Is No Longer Allowed to Yell at the Patrons:

Does your mom know you came out here dressed like that?

You don’t have any mirrors at home, do you?

Ma’am, just because it fits, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

Spandex/chainmail/leather/tights are a privilege, not a right.

That’s an awfully big sword for such a little man.

Next time, consider tanning a little first.

Do those come with a “not a flotation device” warning?

Sir, that sword is not a spatula.

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