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A Letter to Potential Customers

March 27, 2006

Dear Convention Going Customers,
Thank you for pausing to peruse our selection of fine handmade jewelry.  As we are young women trying to work our way into our own shop someday, we greatly appreciate your business.  That said, there are a few things we would appreciate from you, the customer:

1)  If you pick something up, put it back where you got it.  It doesn’t have to be neat, but I would appreciate not finding a bracelet mixed in with the rosaries halfway across the table.  Although putting it back neatly would be nice.  You did not pick it up off of the table in a great big heap, it doesn’t take that long to put it back the right way.  I know, because I have to do it when you leave.

2)  Do not, under any circumstances, toss the jewelry.  If I throw something at my partner, it’s because I’m pretty sure she’ll catch it, and if it breaks, it’s sad for me.  I can fix it.  If you toss a hematite ring into a bowl full of other hematite rings, chances are that it will break.  And those things can’t be fixed.  And getting all pissy at me because I jokingly said I would break you if you broke anything makes me think you’re an annoying little shit.  Especially since it was the third time I had asked you not to be so rough with the products.

3)  If you think you can make my jewelry, I will cheerfully hand you my tools and a spool of wire to watch you try.  I’ve been doing this for 5 years.  You’re not paying for the cost of the materials.  You’re paying for the convenience of having someone else lug around 70 pounds of loose stones, wire, and all the charms your pretty little heart could desire and make all of that into a necklace for you.

4)  This is ART.  It is jewelry, but it is also ART.  Don’t bitch about how expensive everything is.  Yes, i set the prices, but if you’re too cheap to fork over $14 for a handmade necklace, then GO AWAY.

5)  Yes, we have stuff for guys.  And if you had paused long enough to actually look at the table instead of just gawking at the boobs of the owners, you’d have noticed that.  Again, I’ve been doing this for 5 years.  Guys do actually buy the pretty shiny necklaces.  I promise.

6)  Do not ever, ever, ever touch the vendor chicas.  We are cute and have big boobs.  We also have combat boots and sharp jewelry making implements.  Don’t tempt us.

7)  WE DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER.  There is nothing in this world less interesting than listening to a guy boast about how wonderful his character is as a means of flirting with the vendor chicas.  We will smile and nod if we think it will get you to buy something.  We will gladly discuss your character as a way of helping you to choose the right jewelry.  But we are not interested in an hour long rant on how horrible the current system of whatever game you’re playing is.  Especially if your ass is scaring off other customers.  Buy something or get lost.

8)  BATHE.  Yes, the convention is three days long, but that doesn’t mean you are allowed to go for that whole time without cleaning up.  There are sinks in the bathrooms.  Most of them have paper towels.  Sponge off, toss on a fresh layer of deodorant, and discover the joy and thrill of spraying yourself down with Febreeze.

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