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Public Service Announcement

March 22, 2004

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

Public Service Announcement
To: All Smokers and Other Interested Parties
Re: Smoking While Driving

It should be noted that when the car is in motion, rolling down one’s window and trying to blow your smoke out of the car does not work. One rolls down one’s window to let air in. Some air does get out and one’s attempt to accommodate those who are allergic to such is appreciated, but it’s not enough.

A few notes:
-If one really is in such a state as to absolutely require that one not wait until the next pit stop to have a cigarette, it is not considered impolite to ask the driver to pull over for a minute.
-If one simply cannot hold the urge to smoke for more than an hour, one needs to get help. Either in the form of gum, a patch, or willpower.
-If one knows that one is going on a car ride that may require they spend an hour or more in transit without stopping, one should use the “Hadda Go Bathroom” technique. Take care of it before you leave. Preferably right before if you think it might be a close thing. Note that a similar technique should be applied to pit stops and restroom breaks.
-If one is driving and the car is one’s property, and one insists on smoking while driving, please take the time to inform one’s passengers ahead of time so that they may either make other arrangements or bring along appropriate filtration devices.
-If the allergic person is driving and the car is one’s property (ie, not the property of the allergic person), please be considerate of the driver. One does not irritate one’s driver. One’s driver is currently in control of a very large, very unstable device, and one’s driver very likely knows the best possible way to scare the living shit out of one without doing any damage to car or driver.
-If the allergic person is the owner of the car and would prefer that passengers not smoke, please be considerate of this request. Do not offer to roll down the window. See above. Do not attempt to convince allergic person to let one smoke. Suck it up or walk.
-There are many studies which prove conclusively that cigarette smoke is beneficial to asthmatics and that people who are allergic to certain things will get over their allergies if exposed to said allergies. There are also studies proving conclusively that George Bush is a Pod Person, and the Rush Limbaugh is an unbiased source. If one really wishes to quote such sources, one should expect that one will be laughed at by allergic people who have been to more than enough doctors to know better.

Note: This does not apply to any one person. This is merely a public service announcement. If you think this is directed specifically at you and feel the urge to offer a rebuttal, you might take a little time to consider why you feel it is directed specifically at you before arranging your statement. Much thanks is offered to all those people who take the time to be considerate enough to accommodate the Allergy Queen.

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